Difficulty Ejaculating

Men with delayed ejaculation are often puzzled by the cause of their difficulty reaching orgasm and ejaculating during sexual intercourse.

Yet at the same time it’s highly likely that many of them have an intuitive understanding of what’s happening.

Many of the clients who I have helped to overcome delayed ejaculation have admitted to me that they masturbate in a particular fashion.

Regardless of whether this was caused by the way they learnt to masturbate during adolescence or not, what they seem to have in common is a pattern of hard and fast movements of their hand on their penis.

Some men substitute thrusting against the mattress for hand stimulation. But in all cases, it’s certainly true to say that the movements that the man uses to stimulate himself to orgasm during self pleasuring are hard and fast.

I think most men who do this are also intuitively aware of an underlying cause of the difficulty ejaculating. This might be sexual guilt or shame induced by an atmosphere in childhood where sex was taboo.

It might be due to a shaming experience in late adolescence or early adulthood.

(For example, one man who couldn’t ejaculate during sex explained to me after a few sessions of counseling that his uncle had taken him to the local “house of ill repute”. He was only 15 at the time, and found the experience humiliating and shameful in every way. He ejaculated prematurely, and as he admitted to me, “at some level I decided I would never make such a fool of myself in front of a woman again”.

Now I’m not saying that this particular example is typical of men with problems in this area. What I am saying is that I think the kind of psychological trauma induced by such an experience may play a part in many men’s difficulty reaching orgasm.

It follows that in the dynamic between the normal male sexual urge, and the shame felt about sexual relief in  the act of ejaculation, some emotional and psychological tension must be generated.

Man with delayed ejaculation
Emotional detachment is a classic characteristic of delayed ejaculation.

It seems logical to me to assume that one way in which this could manifest is by hard and fast masturbation in an emotionally detached way for pure physical sexual relief.

At the same time, the emotional intimacy and connection – and even the sexual arousal – which should be associated with sexual intercourse with a loved partner is to reminiscent of the original traumatic event for a man to bear.

He therefore disconnects from his sexual feelings and his sense of intimacy with a partner, and thereby ensures that he cannot get sexually aroused to the extent necessary for ejaculation.

In some way I believe that every man’s story who has delayed ejaculation is a variant of that generalized outline.

In other words, my vision of delayed ejaculation is that it’s caused by sexual trauma, which causes a man to disconnect from his sexual desire and potentially from his emotions as well.

That’s a sure recipe for low arousal, and that in turn means that a man cannot reach orgasm and ejaculate during sexual intercourse.

He can, however, during masturbation because the level of stimulation – that is to say physical stimulation – which he can apply is much harder.

He can use hard movements of his hand to overcome any emotional inhibitions and reach the point of no return – otherwise known as the point of ejaculatory inevitability.

Bear in mind also that masturbation can be a purely physical act for a man.

It’s a far cry from sex oral pleasure with a partner, where there is inevitably an emotional dynamic going on between you and your partner, even if you’re trying to suppress it.

Be this as it may, it’s quite obvious to me that one of the cures for delayed ejaculation arises in the possibility of ensuring a man’s level of sexual arousal is much greater.

You may be wondering how, if the problem with low sexual arousal originates from his interaction with his partner, this can possibly be remedied.

Oddly enough, the answer is quite simple. If one engages a man and his partner in a series of exercises to build intimacy which feel safe and also gradually increase in intensity, he will be re-educated at some level to understand that sexual interaction with a partner is “emotionally safe”.

This in turn will enable him to open himself up to an interaction of love or affection with his partner – and even perhaps anger or fear – but at least he will be feeling.

And when he begins to feel, he can then reach the point of emotional and sexual arousal necessary for ejaculation.

woman lying seductively on bed
Sex really can become attractive rather than threatening.

Having said all that, it’s very obvious that this is only going to work when the man is actually willing to engage in a treatment protocol which can take him to that point.

So in other words a man has to be emotionally prepared and motivated to overcome his difficulties. As some self-development teachers would have it, the “pull factor” of connection with partner and satisfaction of normal intercourse has to be greater than the “push factor” of fear and shame around past sexual trauma.

Finally, I would just like to mention one of the possible causes for the origin of delayed ejaculation.

A man may simply never have learned how to become sexually aroused. For some reason he learned to masturbate – to provide the pure relief of physical release – in a way that did not require him to engage with his emotions.

Again, I would speculate that the cause of that particular dynamic was to be found in an attitude towards sexual activity or sexuality in the family of origin.

And again, it doesn’t matter too much what the origin is because the essential issue is “what do you do about delayed ejaculation now – as an adult?”

The answer seems to be that in all cases, becoming more aroused is the key to solving the problem of delayed ejaculation.

I’ve described above a series of exercises to improve intimacy with the partner. It is actually also possible to engage in similar exercises to become more connected to one’s own sexual desires, sexual feelings, and emotions around sex.

For a man who has severe difficulty ejaculating, or fails to reach the point of orgasm in any circumstances, I would recommend a program which involved becoming more familiar with his own body and his own sexuality before he engaged in any form of intimacy building exercises with a partner.

Delayed Ejaculation – The Antithesis Of Easy Orgasm

manontop5The Difference Between Orgasm and Ejaculation

An important point that requires some emphasis is that orgasm is a mental experience while ejaculation is a reflex reaction that is triggered by persistent physical contact to the penis and sexually sensitive nerve endings elsewhere in the body.

When the resulting sexual arousal reaches a near-climactic threshold, the flow of semen near the farthest point of the the urethra increases the pressure at the base of the penis, and this in turn triggers a whole set of reflex bodily reactions including flexing of the pubococcygeal muscle.

This response is controlled by the involuntary nervous system.

manontop13Orgasm, which does not occur in men with delayed ejaculation, is a sensory experience felt in the brain. Orgasm depends on a state of high sexual arousal, and a subconscious experience of sexual release which produces pleasurable feelings throughout the body.

The absence of orgasm is particularly troubling for these men; no matter how they may try, they cannot command orgasm. Woman having an orgasmOddly, many of these men are able to climax easily enough from masturbation.

Given this fact, researchers suggest that there may be a connection between a man’s inability to achieve orgasm and the quality of a couple’s relationship.

However, one must be a little bit skeptical when trying to find an explanation of delayed ejaculation in the dynamics between sexual partners.

Perhaps a man’s apparent inability to ejaculate or reach orgasm during sex with a partner might only mean that he needs a heightened degree of sexual arousal pleasure before he can reach orgasm – and he may only command such a level of arousal while pleasuring himself. 

Slowness in reaching orgasm can be attributed to the fact that the man is able to use high-intensity-frequency stroking during masturbation in a way that cannot be matched during sex with a partner.

womanontop10If the cause of the problem is as straightforward as this, the remedy will be in the form of retraining the body, the penis and the mind, to respond to a slightly different form of pleasuring (orgasm by command) that can eventually bring about a climax in the course of sexual activity.

The Importance of Relationship

Some couples see delayed ejaculation as a burden, and yet at the same time, feel powerless to reach out to their partner and begin a rational conversation about these problems with ejaculation.

Moreover, even without resentment, anger, or any other negative feelings on the part of the male towards the woman, there is, as some studies show, a specific kind of male personality which is predisposed to delayed or slow ejaculation and a lack of orgasm.

Based on the most current thinking, a person who is in some way detached from his own arousal, and who is generally unaware of how aroused he is during sex may lack orgasm.

He may demand too much of himself during sex, and consider sex with his partner as some obligation.

He may also see himself as responsible for his female partner’s sexual pleasure and satisfaction, thinking that the woman’s pleasure must be considered before anything else.

No wonder orgasm is lacking! These men often perceive themselves as hard workers, thrusting endlessly, (often to no avail) to bring intercourse to a successful conclusion (i.e. an orgasm for one, other or both participants).

An important factor in this arrangement is that many of the partners of males suffering from this delayed ejaculation tend to be unmotivated about sex, and have a tacit understanding that the male is somehow responsible for their sexual gratification.

The truth is, they are lacking a functional system of commanding orgasmic pleasure. In such cases, it’s clearly valuable to re-educate the sex partners and give them some useful sexual techniques.

This way, their expectations around orgasm and sexual pleasure can be brought closer to reality.

The one recurring characteristic of men who have this type of individual profile is that they generally lack a sense of their personal scale of arousal.

Often there seems to be some kind of gap in their sexual experience, so that they have come to associate a particular system of achieving sexual pleasure with the natural process of having sexual intercourse with a partner.

man giving a woman an orgasm on commandTo put it simply, their own erotic world is lacking; they are left in a frustrating state of sexual confusion and lack of arousal in which the commanding sensations of desire that impel men towards orgasm are lacking.

But it is also about the woman!

Female partners of men with trouble ejaculating might be extremely dissatisfied with their sexual performance!

You see,  one of the critical factors In delayed ejaculation is the fact that the man does not reach his natural climax during intercourse, and even if the woman is enjoying making love with him, she is deprived of a certain level of pleasure and satisfaction that comes from knowing he finds her attractive enough to reach his natural climax during lovemaking.

So the way to get around this, of course, is to ensure that you pay attention to your partner during lovemaking and you give her orgasmic pleasure manually or orally before entering her.


Delayed Ejaculation

Delayed ejaculation is an ejaculatory dysfunction that occurs in a large number of men, resulting in them being unable to ejaculate during sexual intercourse and sometimes even during solo masturbation.

The cause of delayed ejaculation it is not exactly clear, but we know that men who have this problem fall into several broad categories.

The first category of men is those who have learned to masturbate using a hard and fast technique which desensitizes the penile nerves, so that ejaculation becomes impossible as the point of ejaculatory inevitability is never reached.

A second group of men appear to be experiencing delayed ejaculation because of emotional and psychological issues which prevent them achieving a sufficiently high level of sexual arousal to trigger the ejaculatory reflex.

delayed ejaculation
Delayed ejaculation

Whether or not this is due to physical insensitivity to sexual stimulation, or is due to internal emotional inhibitions on the levels of sexual desire that they can reach is not clear.

The fact that dictates treatment strategy is mediated by both physical resensitization strategies and emotional exploration using in depth psychology and psychodynamic therapy. Treatment can generally be successful, at least to the extent that a man becomes able to ejaculate much more readily than previously, even if his ejaculatory responses are not as labile as those amongst men in the general population.

Ironically, that may not in fact be much of a disadvantage, since many men in the general population experience premature ejaculation all too readily! However, we know is that the duration of intercourse that is common among most men with delayed ejaculation is far too long for the satisfaction of their female partners. As a general rule, we know that sex which goes on for more than 10 minutes is not satisfactory for the great majority of women.

In fact it’s not satisfactory to the great majority of men either, despite the illusion which seems to be widespread in society that men who can make love for a very long period of time are somehow very desirable as lovers. The truth is that both the man and his partner will experience high levels of frustration and distress, not to mention the possibility of physical soreness for the woman.

The fact is that a man will see himself as a sexual failure, unable to satisfy his partner, and the woman may see herself as an unattractive partner who cannot bring her man successfully to climax.

Now having said that, we do know that delayed ejaculation sometimes obscures other psychological or emotional issues, so in treating delayed ejaculation one has to be aware of the possibility that there may be some collusion between the couple at a subconscious level to maintain the sexual dysfunction.

For example, it may be that a woman is unable to reach orgasm, or perhaps doesn’t like sex particularly, a fact which she is able to disguise by the distress and emotional difficulties caused by delayed ejaculation. If her male partner was able to ejaculate in a timely fashion during intercourse, it may be that her own dissatisfaction with sex would be revealed.

Equally, for the man, it’s possible that delayed ejaculation serves a purpose, perhaps allowing the couple to focus on emotional distress of the delayed ejaculation rather on the fact that the man has a difficulty with being in a relationship with his partner in the first place.

Now clearly not all cases of delayed ejaculation will actually have such powerful and emotive underlying issues, but certainly many of them do.

Treatment is generally by means of sexual therapy and exploration of the deeper psychological issues underlying the condition, combined with behavioural adaptation techniques – in particular, cognitive behavioural therapy. The outcome can generally be expected to be very good, a man reaching ejaculation within five minutes of intercourse starting.

The main workers is in the field of delayed ejaculation have beenHelen Singer Kaplan, Marcel Waldinger, and Bernard Apfelbaum, all of whom have presented original, novel treatment approaches that have benefited men with delayed ejaculation and their partners, who often lack sexual satisfaction and pleasure because of the man’s condition.

The main models that have been proposed to explain delayed ejaculation are the desire-deficit model, and the sexual inhibition model, both of which have been explained on this website.

I want to emphasize again that treatment is generally successful, and that there’s no need to be depressed are upset about this problem; in particular if a couple are experiencing relationship difficulties because of delayed ejaculation, then it can often be a catalyst to the resolution of these difficulties through (1) both seeking and finding therapy, and (2) being able to learn a better system of communication within the relationship that allows the partners to understand each other’s point of view much more openly and honestly.

A few simple techniques will put you right in control!