Delayed Ejaculation – The Antithesis Of Easy Orgasm

manontop5The Difference Between Orgasm and Ejaculation

An important point that requires some emphasis is that orgasm is a mental experience while ejaculation is a reflex reaction that is triggered by persistent physical contact to the penis and sexually sensitive nerve endings elsewhere in the body.

When the resulting sexual arousal reaches a near-climactic threshold, the flow of semen near the farthest point of the the urethra increases the pressure at the base of the penis, and this in turn triggers a whole set of reflex bodily reactions including flexing of the pubococcygeal muscle.

This response is controlled by the involuntary nervous system.

manontop13Orgasm, which does not occur in men with delayed ejaculation, is a sensory experience felt in the brain. Orgasm depends on a state of high sexual arousal, and a subconscious experience of sexual release which produces pleasurable feelings throughout the body.

The absence of orgasm is particularly troubling for these men; no matter how they may try, they cannot command orgasm. Woman having an orgasmOddly, many of these men are able to climax easily enough from masturbation.

Given this fact, researchers suggest that there may be a connection between a man’s inability to achieve orgasm and the quality of a couple’s relationship.

However, one must be a little bit skeptical when trying to find an explanation of delayed ejaculation in the dynamics between sexual partners.

Perhaps a man’s apparent inability to ejaculate or reach orgasm during sex with a partner might only mean that he needs a heightened degree of sexual arousal pleasure before he can reach orgasm – and he may only command such a level of arousal while pleasuring himself. 

Slowness in reaching orgasm can be attributed to the fact that the man is able to use high-intensity-frequency stroking during masturbation in a way that cannot be matched during sex with a partner.

womanontop10If the cause of the problem is as straightforward as this, the remedy will be in the form of retraining the body, the penis and the mind, to respond to a slightly different form of pleasuring (orgasm by command) that can eventually bring about a climax in the course of sexual activity.

The Importance of Relationship

Some couples see delayed ejaculation as a burden, and yet at the same time, feel powerless to reach out to their partner and begin a rational conversation about these problems with ejaculation.

Moreover, even without resentment, anger, or any other negative feelings on the part of the male towards the woman, there is, as some studies show, a specific kind of male personality which is predisposed to delayed or slow ejaculation and a lack of orgasm.

Based on the most current thinking, a person who is in some way detached from his own arousal, and who is generally unaware of how aroused he is during sex may lack orgasm.

He may demand too much of himself during sex, and consider sex with his partner as some obligation.

He may also see himself as responsible for his female partner’s sexual pleasure and satisfaction, thinking that the woman’s pleasure must be considered before anything else.

No wonder orgasm is lacking! These men often perceive themselves as hard workers, thrusting endlessly, (often to no avail) to bring intercourse to a successful conclusion (i.e. an orgasm for one, other or both participants).

An important factor in this arrangement is that many of the partners of males suffering from this delayed ejaculation tend to be unmotivated about sex, and have a tacit understanding that the male is somehow responsible for their sexual gratification.

The truth is, they are lacking a functional system of commanding orgasmic pleasure. In such cases, it’s clearly valuable to re-educate the sex partners and give them some useful sexual techniques.

This way, their expectations around orgasm and sexual pleasure can be brought closer to reality.

The one recurring characteristic of men who have this type of individual profile is that they generally lack a sense of their personal scale of arousal.

Often there seems to be some kind of gap in their sexual experience, so that they have come to associate a particular system of achieving sexual pleasure with the natural process of having sexual intercourse with a partner.

man giving a woman an orgasm on commandTo put it simply, their own erotic world is lacking; they are left in a frustrating state of sexual confusion and lack of arousal in which the commanding sensations of desire that impel men towards orgasm are lacking.

But it is also about the woman!

Female partners of men with trouble ejaculating might be extremely dissatisfied with their sexual performance!

You see,  one of the critical factors In delayed ejaculation is the fact that the man does not reach his natural climax during intercourse, and even if the woman is enjoying making love with him, she is deprived of a certain level of pleasure and satisfaction that comes from knowing he finds her attractive enough to reach his natural climax during lovemaking.

So the way to get around this, of course, is to ensure that you pay attention to your partner during lovemaking and you give her orgasmic pleasure manually or orally before entering her.


For Men Who Have Problems With Orgasm

The key distinction which confuses many men and their partners with delayed ejaculation is that even though orgasm and ejaculation feel like identical occurrences, these are, in fact, two different events. The feeling of orgasm is a mental event, which happens purely as a chemical and synaptic interaction inside your head, even if physical sensations are also experienced.

Ejaculation, however, is a purely physical reaction that is triggered by sufficient pleasurable physical contact to the male organ and sexually sensitive nerve endings elsewhere in the body.

At this point, we still don’t have any idea of the exact spot sexual orgasm is felt inside the brain, but much is known about the synaptic connections by which the reflex response of ejaculation is induced.

There are competing viewpoints but one conclusion is that when sexual arousal reaches a certain threshold, the flow of ejaculatory fluids near the end of the the urethra builds up the pressure at the base of the penis, and this in turn triggers a whole series of reflex reactions which includes contraction of the pubococcygeal muscle.

The involuntary nervous system is at full play as far as ejaculation is concerned, while gradually heightening erotic pleasure during sex is purely a function of the voluntary nervous mechanism.

Delayed ejaculation has been known to medical researchers for a long time, and the terminologies commonly used to describe this peculiar function most likely represents in some part, the research establishment’s developing attitude to this function: ejaculatory incompetence, ejaculatory over-control, retarded ejaculation, and finally delayed ejaculation.

woman reaching orgasm
Different – more arousing – sex positions may help with delayed orgasm

The evolving nomenclature is illustrative of, at least in my mind, a new and increasingly sympathetic attitude for the men who are having relationship issues with their partners owing to their unique ejaculation patterns during sexual intercourse.

What is particularly perturbing to medical professionals is that most of these men are able to ejaculate normally when they are masturbating. This unusual reaction has given rise to the belief that there may be a correlation between a sex partner’s relationship status with the inability to reach orgasm and ejaculate in the course of engaging in sex.

Naturally, one must be a little bit skeptical when seeking an explanation that lies in the relationship between a couple.

There’s strong evidence to suggest that a man’s apparent inability to ejaculate even when a partner performs fellatio on him, during actual intercourse, or through direct manual stimulation by a partner could only mean that there’s nothing in these activities that approximate the higher level of pleasure that an individual may beaccustomed to perform on his own penis whilst pleasuring himself.

Certainly, anyone can get physically accustomed to react to higher levels of stimulation, so it’s always wise to establish whether or not the delayed ejaculation issue simply lies in the fact that the man is able to apply hard, firm, or high-frequency stroking during self pleasuring, in a manner that is not simulated during sexual intercourse with a partner.

delayed orgasm
delayed orgasm

If the problem is, in fact, triggered by a simple mismatch in techniques, the cure will be in the form of a physical retraining of the body, the penis and the mind, to respond to a slightly altered style of stimulation of the kind that can bring about a climax during sexual congress.

As is often the case, therapists and counsellors more often than not, take the view that the internal dynamics is the real cause of delayed ejaculation.

Quite frankly, there’s sufficient ground for this assumption. I have come across many partners where a slowly festering attitude of hostility has diminished intimacy to the point where a male no longer enjoys intercourse, and secretly disdains the routine, whilst simultaneously finding himself powerless to communicate with his spouse or partner and start a rational conversation to find the resolution of his difficulty and problems reaching orgasm.

And even if there isn’t resentment, anger, or any other negative feelings on the part of the man towards his partner, there may well be a specific type of individual which is predisposed to delayed ejaculation.

Based on the most current scientific journals, this personality type is quite likely a person who is in some way disconnected to his personal preferences to induce sexual pleasure, who is often unaware of how aroused he is when indulging in any sexual activity, who regards sexual activity as some obligation that he needs to perform, who considers his partner’s gratification during sexual intercourse as a basic obligation, and who is convinced that her pleasure must come before his own and is the priority during sex. These men often, whether intentionally or not, see themselves as the “workhorse of sex”, grinding on (pointlessly at times) to bring the sexual intercourse to a successful climax.

An interesting factor in this kind of set-up is that most of the partners of males with this condition are almost always disinterested when it comes to sex, and have a tacit understanding that the man is implicitly responsible for their sexual gratification. As a matter of fact, they should be without a doubt responsible for their own orgasm. In such cases, it’s clearly essential to be able to re-educate a couple and make available some useful sexual information. Approached in this manner, the couple’s ideas and beliefs on the subject of sex and erotic pleasure can be brought more into line with reality.

The single common characteristic of males who fall into this subservient sexual profile is that they often lack awareness of their own level of pleasure. Often there seems to be some kind of disconnect, or even a void, in the sexual maturity, so that they have rendered dependent their internal mechanism of sexual pleasure with the outside dynamics of engaging in intercourse with a partner.

To put it simply, their own erotic world normally doesn’t function as a source of sexual arousal and pleasure: they are left in a sort of sexual uncertainty in which they try to engage in sexual intercourse minus all the requisite emotional and physiological tools that are necessary for it to be a pleasurable and mutually satisfying exercise.

Delayed Ejaculation

Delayed ejaculation is an ejaculatory dysfunction that occurs in a large number of men, resulting in them being unable to ejaculate during sexual intercourse and sometimes even during solo masturbation.

The cause of delayed ejaculation it is not exactly clear, but we know that men who have this problem fall into several broad categories.

The first category of men is those who have learned to masturbate using a hard and fast technique which desensitizes the penile nerves, so that ejaculation becomes impossible as the point of ejaculatory inevitability is never reached.

A second group of men appear to be experiencing delayed ejaculation because of emotional and psychological issues which prevent them achieving a sufficiently high level of sexual arousal to trigger the ejaculatory reflex.

delayed ejaculation
Delayed ejaculation

Whether or not this is due to physical insensitivity to sexual stimulation, or is due to internal emotional inhibitions on the levels of sexual desire that they can reach is not clear.

The fact that dictates treatment strategy is mediated by both physical resensitization strategies and emotional exploration using in depth psychology and psychodynamic therapy. Treatment can generally be successful, at least to the extent that a man becomes able to ejaculate much more readily than previously, even if his ejaculatory responses are not as labile as those amongst men in the general population.

Ironically, that may not in fact be much of a disadvantage, since many men in the general population experience premature ejaculation all too readily! However, we know is that the duration of intercourse that is common among most men with delayed ejaculation is far too long for the satisfaction of their female partners. As a general rule, we know that sex which goes on for more than 10 minutes is not satisfactory for the great majority of women.

In fact it’s not satisfactory to the great majority of men either, despite the illusion which seems to be widespread in society that men who can make love for a very long period of time are somehow very desirable as lovers. The truth is that both the man and his partner will experience high levels of frustration and distress, not to mention the possibility of physical soreness for the woman.

The fact is that a man will see himself as a sexual failure, unable to satisfy his partner, and the woman may see herself as an unattractive partner who cannot bring her man successfully to climax.

Now having said that, we do know that delayed ejaculation sometimes obscures other psychological or emotional issues, so in treating delayed ejaculation one has to be aware of the possibility that there may be some collusion between the couple at a subconscious level to maintain the sexual dysfunction.

For example, it may be that a woman is unable to reach orgasm, or perhaps doesn’t like sex particularly, a fact which she is able to disguise by the distress and emotional difficulties caused by delayed ejaculation. If her male partner was able to ejaculate in a timely fashion during intercourse, it may be that her own dissatisfaction with sex would be revealed.

Equally, for the man, it’s possible that delayed ejaculation serves a purpose, perhaps allowing the couple to focus on emotional distress of the delayed ejaculation rather on the fact that the man has a difficulty with being in a relationship with his partner in the first place.

Now clearly not all cases of delayed ejaculation will actually have such powerful and emotive underlying issues, but certainly many of them do.

Treatment is generally by means of sexual therapy and exploration of the deeper psychological issues underlying the condition, combined with behavioural adaptation techniques – in particular, cognitive behavioural therapy. The outcome can generally be expected to be very good, a man reaching ejaculation within five minutes of intercourse starting.

The main workers is in the field of delayed ejaculation have beenHelen Singer Kaplan, Marcel Waldinger, and Bernard Apfelbaum, all of whom have presented original, novel treatment approaches that have benefited men with delayed ejaculation and their partners, who often lack sexual satisfaction and pleasure because of the man’s condition.

The main models that have been proposed to explain delayed ejaculation are the desire-deficit model, and the sexual inhibition model, both of which have been explained on this website – you can find all the information you need on delayed ejaculation here.

I want to emphasize again that treatment is generally successful, and that there’s no need to be depressed are upset about this problem; in particular if a couple are experiencing relationship difficulties because of delayed ejaculation, then it can often be a catalyst to the resolution of these difficulties through (1) both seeking and finding therapy, and (2) being able to learn a better system of communication within the relationship that allows the partners to understand each other’s point of view much more openly and honestly.