Men with delayed ejaculation are often puzzled by the cause of their difficulty reaching orgasm and ejaculating during sexual intercourse.
Yet at the same time it’s highly likely that many of them have an intuitive understanding of what’s happening.
Many of the clients who I have helped to overcome delayed ejaculation have admitted to me that they masturbate in a particular fashion.
Regardless of whether this was caused by the way they learnt to masturbate during adolescence or not, what they seem to have in common is a pattern of hard and fast movements of their hand on their penis.
Some men substitute thrusting against the mattress for hand stimulation. But in all cases, it’s certainly true to say that the movements that the man uses to stimulate himself to orgasm during self pleasuring are hard and fast.
I think most men who do this are also intuitively aware of an underlying cause of the difficulty ejaculating. This might be sexual guilt or shame induced by an atmosphere in childhood where sex was taboo.
It might be due to a shaming experience in late adolescence or early adulthood.
(For example, one man who couldn’t ejaculate during sex explained to me after a few sessions of counseling that his uncle had taken him to the local “house of ill repute”. He was only 15 at the time, and found the experience humiliating and shameful in every way. He ejaculated prematurely, and as he admitted to me, “at some level I decided I would never make such a fool of myself in front of a woman again”.
Now I’m not saying that this particular example is typical of men with problems in this area. What I am saying is that I think the kind of psychological trauma induced by such an experience may play a part in many men’s difficulty reaching orgasm.
It follows that in the dynamic between the normal male sexual urge, and the shame felt about sexual relief in the act of ejaculation, some emotional and psychological tension must be generated.
It seems logical to me to assume that one way in which this could manifest is by hard and fast masturbation in an emotionally detached way for pure physical sexual relief.
At the same time, the emotional intimacy and connection – and even the sexual arousal – which should be associated with sexual intercourse with a loved partner is to reminiscent of the original traumatic event for a man to bear.
He therefore disconnects from his sexual feelings and his sense of intimacy with a partner, and thereby ensures that he cannot get sexually aroused to the extent necessary for ejaculation.
In some way I believe that every man’s story who has delayed ejaculation is a variant of that generalized outline.
In other words, my vision of delayed ejaculation is that it’s caused by sexual trauma, which causes a man to disconnect from his sexual desire and potentially from his emotions as well.
That’s a sure recipe for low arousal, and that in turn means that a man cannot reach orgasm and ejaculate during sexual intercourse.
He can, however, during masturbation because the level of stimulation – that is to say physical stimulation – which he can apply is much harder.
He can use hard movements of his hand to overcome any emotional inhibitions and reach the point of no return – otherwise known as the point of ejaculatory inevitability.
Bear in mind also that masturbation can be a purely physical act for a man.
It’s a far cry from sex oral pleasure with a partner, where there is inevitably an emotional dynamic going on between you and your partner, even if you’re trying to suppress it.
Be this as it may, it’s quite obvious to me that one of the cures for delayed ejaculation arises in the possibility of ensuring a man’s level of sexual arousal is much greater.
You may be wondering how, if the problem with low sexual arousal originates from his interaction with his partner, this can possibly be remedied.
Oddly enough, the answer is quite simple. If one engages a man and his partner in a series of exercises to build intimacy which feel safe and also gradually increase in intensity, he will be re-educated at some level to understand that sexual interaction with a partner is “emotionally safe”.
This in turn will enable him to open himself up to an interaction of love or affection with his partner – and even perhaps anger or fear – but at least he will be feeling.
And when he begins to feel, he can then reach the point of emotional and sexual arousal necessary for ejaculation.
Having said all that, it’s very obvious that this is only going to work when the man is actually willing to engage in a treatment protocol which can take him to that point.
So in other words a man has to be emotionally prepared and motivated to overcome his difficulties. As some self-development teachers would have it, the “pull factor” of connection with partner and satisfaction of normal intercourse has to be greater than the “push factor” of fear and shame around past sexual trauma.
Finally, I would just like to mention one of the possible causes for the origin of delayed ejaculation.
A man may simply never have learned how to become sexually aroused. For some reason he learned to masturbate – to provide the pure relief of physical release – in a way that did not require him to engage with his emotions.
Again, I would speculate that the cause of that particular dynamic was to be found in an attitude towards sexual activity or sexuality in the family of origin.
And again, it doesn’t matter too much what the origin is because the essential issue is “what do you do about delayed ejaculation now – as an adult?”
The answer seems to be that in all cases, becoming more aroused is the key to solving the problem of delayed ejaculation.
I’ve described above a series of exercises to improve intimacy with the partner. It is actually also possible to engage in similar exercises to become more connected to one’s own sexual desires, sexual feelings, and emotions around sex.
For a man who has severe difficulty ejaculating, or fails to reach the point of orgasm in any circumstances, I would recommend a program which involved becoming more familiar with his own body and his own sexuality before he engaged in any form of intimacy building exercises with a partner.